95 Jokes About Hearts

Here are 95 funny heart jokes and the best heart puns to crack you up. These jokes about hearts are great heart jokes for kids and adults.

Here is our top list of heart dad jokes. Find your favorite puns about hearts, have a laugh, then share and enjoy this heart humor with others.

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Cartoon graphic of human heart with surprised face on blue background.

Heart puns

Here are some of our favorite dad jokes about hearts that are also awesome heart jokes for adults and kids to be told!

  1. What was the easiest way to reach a man’s heart? Through his chest.
  2. If it wasn’t love, why does my heart ache so much whenever I see her? I asked myself as I went to order my 3rd big mac.
  3. What is Cupid’s favorite rockband? Heart.
  4. Why did the Valentine get arrested? For stealing someone’s heart.
  5. Why are two hearts better than one? Because two hearts can’t be beat.
  1. What did one volcano say to the other on Valentine’s Day? I lava you with all my heart.
  2. Why did the skeleton refuse to propose to his girlfriend? His heart was not in it.
  3. What did the cardiologist’s mother say to her children at dinner? Eat your heart out.
  4. What’s the cheesiest pick-up line for bakers to use? Honey, you have a pizza my heart. 
  5. What did the painter say to his girlfriend? I love you with all my art.
  1. What does the man call his girlfriend whom he met on Twitter? Tweetheart.
  2. What causes a pirate to have a heart attack? Something clogged their arrrrrrteries.
  3. What do you call it when a man gives his woman only half a valentine? A half-hearted attempt. 
  4. Why did Karen gift her boyfriend a lettuce plant? Because it’s all heart.
  5. Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters? I Q U.
  1. What did the dinosaur say to his lover? You make my heart saur.
  2. What was the main ingredient of junk food at the stall at the fair? Heart disease.
  3. What did the drum say to the drumstick? My heart beats for you.
  4. What do you call an attack on an organ donation bank? A heart attack.
  5. Why do cardiologists refuse to date hematologists? They’ve learned that such relationships are usually in vein. 
  1. Why did the shy doctor call his wife a thoracic cavity? Because she kept his heart.
  2. Why did Robert fail the medical exam when his right shoulder was X-rayed? Because he did not put his heart into it.
  3. Which English soccer team plays with the most heart? Loverpool.
  4. What’s the best car for a heart surgeon to own? A beater. 
  5. Why did the pig give his girlfriend a heart shaped box of candy? It was Valenswine’s Day.
  1. What do you call someone who loves dark beer? Stouthearted.
  2. What is the heart’s favorite shade of red? It’s beat-red.
  3. What does a candle say to a person who is going to light it with a match? You are setting my heart on fire.
  4. How do you know when you are ready to play? The moment when your heart is pumped up.
  5. Do you know which is the most terrible time to have a heart attack? Perhaps it is during a charades game.
  1. What do we call a heart that is able to tell people what the god wants to tell them? It is called a prop-heart.
  2. What would an artichoke say to you when eating salads? Oh, you also have a heart.
  3. Why do people often get heartburn when eating birthday cake? They don’t take the candles out first. 
  4. Why don’t zombies play hockey? They’re cold-hearted, but they just don’t have the brains for it.
  5. What happened when the patient refused to get a heart transplant? He had a change of heart.
Cartoon graphic of human heart with flowers growing out of it on blue background.
  1. Why did the vampire‘s lunch give him bloody heartburn? It was a stake sandwich.
  2. What is Jack called since he is looking for suitors to marry? Jack of hearts.
  3. What do you call a young guy with the emotional character of a horse? Colt-hearted.
  4. Why did the balloon seller have so few successful dates? Because he always kept things light-hearted. 
  5. Why do golfers hate the game Hearts? Because all they ever get are Clubs!
  1. What starts with a “c”, has an “a” in the middle, ends with a “t” and is often associated with old ladies? Cardiac arrest.
  2. Why did the pig have a heart attack? It had too much bacon.
  3. What happens when a cardiac surgeon tries to do comedy? The viewers have heartburn.
  4. What did the Octopus say to his girlfriend? You octopi my heart. 
  5. Why was Grey’s heart pumping so fast when he met his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? He had tachycardia.
  1. Why didn’t Daisy pay rent to live with her boyfriend? Because she lived in his heart.
  2. Why was the ghost scared of coming out in the light? He did not have the heart to do it.
  3. What did the mushroom say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? I have so mushroom for you in my heart.
  4. What makes England considered backward? There are no heart banks but they have a Liverpool.
  5. Why could the physician not find their lover’s heart during the surgery? Because it was on their sleeves.
  1. Why did the heart bang the door so many times for permission? It had palpitations.
  2. After the bypass surgery, which movie would a cardiologist tell her patient to watch? Braveheart.
  3. Why are locksmiths successful with girls? Because they have the key to their hearts. 
  4. Why you got your heart broken by a tennis player in high school? Love means nothing to them.
  5. What is the worst thing you can hear during open heart surgery? Anything.
  1. To raise heart health awareness, how Cardi B changes her name? Cardi O
  2. Why do cardiac surgeons make the best public speakers? Nobody else can touch as many hearts as them.
  3. What did the policeman say to his girlfriend? You’re under cardiac arrest. 
  4. Why should we have an alarm Clock? Because every morning should start with a heart attack. 
  5. What happened to the bear with heart problems? It had a Kodiak arrest.
  1. What animal shares the most love? A heartvaark.
  2. What is the favorite non-fiction book of a Cardiology teacher? The “Heart of Living.
  3. Why did he failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso? Because he didn’t put his heart into it.
  4. What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack? Michael flatline.
  5. What did the cardiac surgeon say when he knew that the transplanted organ reached his home instead of the hospital? Home is where the heart is.
Cartoon graphic of human heart on blue background.

Heart one liners

Here are some great heart jokes one liners that you can quip whenever someone is talking about heart.

  1. Heart disease is the leading killer in America we need a salt weapon ban.
  2. Speak to me in the language of love, said the girl. Her boyfriend replied lub-dub, lub-dub. 
  3. Winning the hearts and minds of the people an old CCP euphemism for organ harvesting.
  4. I lub dub you with all my heart.
  5. Just like a plane, the heart crashes every once in a while.
  1. I think my heart is trying to kill me. It’s clotting against me.
  2. You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ. It has the heartiest appetite.
  3. My grandfather has the heart of a lion… And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
  4. Marriage starts with two hearts and after 20 years you wish you had a club and spade. 
  5. You’d think a pirate’s favorite letter is R yet their hearts all belong to the C.
  1. You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
  2. If only my mean boss would allow personal calls on company time, I’d have phoned an ambulance for him yesterday when he got a heart attack.
  3. Despite my devilish attitude, I have a small child’s heart. I keep it in a jar on my desk.
  4. A letter to my heart: Dear heart, please stop falling in love, your function is only to pump blood.
  5. Someone said he was making stew with beef but it turned out it was offal.
  1. A cardiologist is the doctor who brings the cards.
  2. After I gave you my heart last Christmas, it was rejected by your system the very next day, resulting in your death.
  3. I don’t like how fast you make my cardiac muscle pump blood through my vascular system.
  4. Follow your heart, but don’t forget to use your brain as well.
  5. Never break someone’s heart, they only have one. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Cartoon graphic of happy human heart with arms and legs on blue background.

Best heart jokes

These next funny heart puns are some of our best jokes and puns about heart!

  1. Why are zombies great chefs? They can REALLY put their heart into things.
  2. Why did the philanthropist go into cardiac arrest? There were many causes close to his heart.
  3. How did the cardiac surgeon show his girlfriend where his heart lay? With a scalpel and bone saw.
  4. What happened to the cardiologist who wanted to become an actor? It was all in vein.
  5. Did I tell you about the time my friend had a heart attack while driving his Caddy? We call it his Cadillac Escalade cardiac escapade.
  1. Why do many musicians wind up in heart surgery? They play their heart out. 
  2. Why does The Backstreet Boys make a bad cardiac specialist? Because they’ll tell you it’s nothing but a heartache.
  3. What would you call a bad date with a cardiologist? A heart time.
  4. What do they call it in medical school when a cardiology student drops out? Heart failure. 
  5. What did a plumber say to his love interest on Valentine’s Day? You get my heart pumping.

Final thoughts

After reading through all these hilarious jokes about heart, we hope you had a good laugh.

If you want to hear more funny anatomy jokes then check out these other great lists of funny jokes:

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