55 Jokes About Lawyers

Here are 55 funny lawyer jokes and the best lawyer puns to crack you up. These jokes about lawyers are great lawyer jokes for kids and adults.

Here is our top list of lawyer dad jokes. Find your favorite puns about lawyers, have a laugh, then share and enjoy this lawyer humor with others.

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Cartoon graphic of lawyer with gavel and scales and contract on blue background.

Lawyer puns

Here are some of our favorite dad jokes about lawyers that are also awesome lawyer jokes for adults and kids to be told!

  1. What’s a lawyer’s favorite food? Just-ice
  2. What are honest lawyers like UFOs? You hear about them, but you never see them.
  3. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of a buffalo? The lawyer chargers more.
  4. What’s the difference between God and a lawyer? God does not think he is a lawyer.
  5. Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”. It comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.
  1. What’s the problem with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
  2. What did the judge say to the battery when he took the stand? You’re guilty as charged.
  3. Why did the elephant lawyer lose his case? Because his argument was irrele-phant.
  4. What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? No changes occur.
  5. What’s the difference between a law firm and a circus? At a circus, the clowns don’t charge the public by the hour.
  1. What did the lawyer do to get convicted of first-degree murder? Start his free trial.
  2. What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.
  3. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
  4. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
  5. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side and then on the other.
Cartoon graphic of 3 lawyers smiling on blue background.
  1. What did the lawyer call his daughter? Sue.
  2. What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.
  3. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 80? Your Honor.
  4. What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
  5. What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they are boring.
  1. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice.
  2. Why are there no Irish lawyers? They can’t pass the bar.
  3. What happened to the banker who went to law school? Now she’s a loan shark.
  4. What do barristers always keep with themselves to smell good? A judge-mint.
  5. Why did the law student go to court wearing a shirt with no sleeves? Because he had the right to bare arms.
  1. Why won’t sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
  2. What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? Lipstick
  3. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
  4. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers? A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
  5. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night
Cartoon graphic of lawyer holing scales and book on blue background.

Lawyer one liners

Here are some great lawyer joke one liners that you can quip whenever someone is talking about lawyers.

  1. When you tell lawyers you love them, they ask for evidence to support your statement.
  2. A man sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case
  3. A photograph hurriedly rushed into his attorney’s office and screamed, “I think someone is framing me!”.
  4. A priest who graduates from law school is called a father-in-law.
  5. Clowns are most commonly jailed for mans-laughter.
  1. My father was a lawyer for 25 years before he went to culinary school. Now, he’s a sue chef.
  2. It’s easy to fall in love with a lawyer. They seem to have appeal.
  3. A horse was arrested and brought to the police station for questioning. He de-neighed all accusations.
  4. During his lunch bread, the lawyer worked on Cole’s law.
  5. The law firm specializing in divorce was named Null And Void.
  1. The golden retriever didn’t make any money at his first law firm. He only worked on pro-bone-o cases.
  2. The deaf lawyer didn’t go to court because he lost his hearing.
  3. The lawyer’s client had to face a death sentence because of his bad execution.
  4. Lawyers will wish you a happy holiday but remind you they can in no way guarantee it.
  5. A lawyer’s creed is that a person is innocent until proven broke.
  1. When chickens graduate from law school, they become legal tenders.
  2. Alligators make good lawyers because they are efficient a-litigators.
  3. Don’t judge a law book by its cover-up.
  4. Children are not allowed into the bar examination because they’re under-age.
  5. The lawyer had to move his cow because it got a mooing violation.
Cartoon graphic of smiling young lawyer on blue background.

Best lawyer jokes

These next funny lawyer puns are some of our best jokes and puns about lawyers!

  1. Why is my lawyer is a very smart guy? He earns from my mistakes.
  2. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.
  3. What does an attorney say when getting married at the alter? I accept the terms and conditions.
  4. Why are judges and English teachers alike? They both give out long and short sentences.
  5. What’s the one thing that never works when it’s fixed? A jury.

Final thoughts

After reading through all these hilarious jokes about lawyers, we hope you had a good laugh.

If you want to hear more funny occupation jokes then check out these other great lists of funny jokes:

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