75 Funny Money Jokes

Here are 75 funny money jokes and the best money puns to crack you up. These jokes about money are great money jokes for kids and adults alike.

Here is our top list of money dad jokes. Find your favorite puns about money, have a laugh, then share and enjoy this money humor with others.

Jump to:

• Money puns
• Money one liners
• Best money jokes

Money puns

Here are some of our favorite dad jokes about money that are also awesome money jokes for adults and kids to be told!

1. Why don’t cows have any money? Because the farmers milk them dry.
2. Why wasn’t the dead woman living well? Because she was dead broke.
3. How much money would you be left with if you win $5 million on the lottery and decide to donate a quarter to charity? You’ll still have $4,999,999.75.
4. How did the dinosaur pay his bill at the restaurant? With Tyrannosaurus checks.
5. What ad did the safe company display on their billboard? “If your things get stolen, it’s not our vault.”

6. Where did the frog put his money? It’s in the river bank.
7. When does it start raining money? When there’s a change in the weather.
8. What would you call it if you crossed a millionaire with a sorceress? Ms Richie Witch.
9. If money started growing on trees, what season would become everyone’s favorite? Fall.
10. What did the man say when his landlord told him that he’d come to talk to him about his high heating bill? The man told him, “Sure, my door‘s always open.

11. Why did the woman put her money in her freezer? Because she wanted some cold hard cash.
12. Why do people say that if we want to get rich, we should keep our mouths shut? Because silence is gold.
13. Where do polar bears keep their money safe? In snowbanks.
14. How can you become rich by eating? By eating fortune cookies.
15. Why is money also called dough? Because every person kneads it.

16. What does a duck say to the cashier after shopping? Put it all on my bill.
17. Why was the poor man shaking a cat? To see if there was any money in the kitty.
18. How do clouds invest their money? In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets.
19. What did the penny say to its other penny friend? Let’s meet and make some cents.
20. How much money did the skunk have? It only had one scent.

21. Why was the student eating her dollar bill? Because her mother told her it was for lunch.
22. Where will you always find money? In a dictionary.
23. What was the football coach yelling to the vending machine that ate his money? Give me my quarterback.
24. Why did the robbers take a bath before they were going to steal from the bank? Because they wanted to make a clean getaway.
25. Where does Dracula store his money? In the blood bank.

26. Where do bees keep their money? In a honey box.
27. If marriage is grand, then what is divorce? Ten grand.
28. Why did the one student swallow all her pennies? Because the teacher told her she needed more cents.
29. What’s the similarity between a dollar and the moon? Both of them have 4 quarters.
30. Why shouldn’t you ask for money from leprechauns? Because they can never help, as they are always a little short.

31. What would you call a person that has a head full of change? Headquarters.
32. What did the father do when his son wanted to go to a really expensive math university but didn’t have enough money? The father cosined for him.
33. What would you be called if you had to pay money to live inside a toilet? A loo tenant.
34. What comes with a tail and a head but it’s not an animal? A coin.
35. What would a stockbroker say to another stockbroker when they want the other to stop talking? Put a stock in it.

36. What would you say if you became exhausted filling forms and calculating the amount of money you had to pay to your country? It has been a taxing day.
37. How do you make money in a dog exercising business? It should be a walk in the park.
38. What would you call it if you invested money into a corn farm? A stalk investment.
39. Did you hear about an ATM that got addicted to money? It was suffering from withdrawals.
40. What has a hundred heads and a hundred tails? One hundred coins.

41. What would you call it if you took an exam about bad puns and how to scam money from people? A pun-ching con-test.
42. Why did everyone warn the man when he said he wanted to invest his money into a whipped cream factory? Because they all thought it was a huge whisk.
43. Why don’t dog lawyers make much money? Because they all work pro-bone-O.
44. What kind of car does a very successful sushi chef drive? A Rolls-Rice.
45. Why wasn’t the criminal able to steal all the money alone? Because she was banking on her friends to help her.

46. How much money do professional ice skaters usually make in a year? They make eight figures. But they can’t access their money because their accounts are frozen.
47. What would you call it if a bunch of crows started gathering money? Crow-dfunding.
48. What did the flutist do when she found out that she was not making as much money as the cellist was making? She asked the cellist what her bass salary was.
49. Why don’t the bees ever want to spend any money? Because they are stingy.
50. Why should you invest all your money in yeast? Because it can make your dough rise.

Money one liners

Here are some great money joke one liners that you can quip whenever someone is talking about money.

51. If time is money, are ATM’s time machines?
52. My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I told him, “My door is always open”.
53. I had my credit card stolen the other day but I didn’t bother to report it because the thief spends less than me.
54. It’s true that money can’t buy you true love. It does, however, put you in a good position to bargain.
55. Uber lost over a billion dollars in the last six months so they’re asking their drivers to check between the seat cushions.

56. My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume, she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
57. Money talks but all mine ever says is good-bye.
58. I need a new bank account. This one has run out of money.
59. Most people work just hard enough to not get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
60. I saw a homeless guy on the street with a sign that said, “One day, this could be you.” I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he’s right.

61. Is everything expensive or am I just broke all the time?
62. I remember being in so much debt that I couldn’t afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.
63. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
64. College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
65. Nothing says’ I love my dog’ quite like spending more money on his haircut than you do your own.

Best money jokes

These next funny money puns are some of our best jokes and puns about money!

66. What would you do if a bull charged you? I’d pay whatever it charged.
67. When does a female deer need money? When she doesn’t have a buck.
68. When does a male deer need money? When he doesn’t have any doe.
69. What kind of money do monsters use? Weird dough.
70. What did the pay phone say when the quarter got stuck inside it? Money’s tight these days.

71. How can a can you double your money? By tearing it in half.
72. Where do hogs keep their money safe? In piggy banks.
73. Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich? Because the poor didn’t have any.
74. Why do wallets make so much noise? Because money talks.
75. Where do trees keep their money safe? In branch banks.

Final thoughts

After reading through all these hilarious jokes about money, we hope you had a good laugh.

If you want to hear more silly random jokes then check out these other great lists of funny jokes:

• Flying jokes
• Bride puns
• Jokes about groom
• Laundry jokes for kids