65 Funny Nurse Jokes

Here are 65 funny nurse jokes and the best nurse puns to crack you up. These jokes about nurses are great nurse jokes for kids and adults.

Here is our top list of nurse dad jokes. Find your favorite puns about nurses, have a laugh, then share and enjoy this nurse humor with others.

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Cartoon graphic of 3 nurses standing with different color outfits on a blue background.

Nurse puns

Here are some of our favorite dad jokes about nurses that are also awesome nurse jokes for adults and kids to be told!

  1. Why are nurses afraid of walking in the mountains? Too much poison IV.
  2. Why were the nurses so suspicious of the patient? He had a lot of secret-ion.
  3. What did the pillow say to the nurse? Please help, I feel stuffed.
  4. What did the blood donor say to the nurse? I feel super tired, this is such a draining process.
  5. What did the night nurse say when the doctor asked if she took the patient’s temperature? No, is it missing.
  1. What do you call an alligators nurse? Gator-aid.
  2. Why do nurses creep around at night? So they don’t wake the sleeping pills.
  3. What did the senior nurse advise the young nurse about her first injection? Just give your best shot.
  4. What was the reaction of the patient who broke three ribs at the gym? He felt like he had a weight on his chest.
  5. What did the nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick? Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.
  1. Did you hear about the nurse who lost his whole left side? He was alright in the end.
  2. What did the nurse say when a patient said he swallowed a watch? This medicine will help pass the time.
  3. Why was the squirrel such a good night nurse? She could handle the ER going nuts after midnight.
  4. Why did Mr. Peanut go to the hospital? Because he was a-salted.
  5. Did you hear about the nurse who was crushed by a load of books? She had only her shelf to blame.
  1. Why did the nurse get second chair in the symphony? Because they were a Band-Aid.
  2. How does Thor’s nurse treat him back to health? She Norses him through the night.
  3. Why did the banana have to visit the nurse? It wasn’t peeling very well.
  4. What did Dracula say to the nurse? Please call the doctor. I can’t stop coffin.
  5. What did the doctor tell the nurse after he made a mistake on the blood type record? He made a type O.
Cartoon graphic of a female nurse with her hand out on a blue background.
  1. What did the nurse say to the rocket ship? It’s time for your booster shot.
  2. Why did the nurse lose her job? She had no patients.
  3. What kind of Nurse can cast spells? A curse practitioner.
  4. Who do bats like to dress as for Halloween? An ICU Nurse
  5. What did the nurse say when a boy told her he stood on a LEGO? Try to block out the pain.
  1. How was the nurse’s advice on Q-tips received? It went inside one ear and out of the other.
  2. Why was the nurse found to be so nervous? Because it was his first shot in the hospital.
  3. How do nurses feel when they think about their early days at the hospital? They feel nursetalgic.
  4. What did the nurse say when the patient said he felt like a carrot? The nurse advised him not to get himself in a stew.
  5. What did the nurse say to the man who fainted at the airport? I think you might have a terminal illness.
  1. What did the bread say to the nurse? I am feeling crumby.
  2. What did the nurse say when the doctor decided to stay home? Suture self.
  3. Why did the robot ask the nurse to call the doctor immediately? Because it had a virus.
  4. What did the balloon say to the nurse? I am feeling light-headed.
  5. What did the new night nurse reply when the senior nurse asked her about nitrates? Are they cheaper in comparison to day rates.
  1. What kind of nurse does not require any equipment to draw blood? Nurseferatu.
  2. What did the bucket tell the nurse? I feel I have a pail face.
  3. Why did the senior nurse appreciate the new nurses’ work? Her alphabetized list of organ donors was well organ-ized.
  4. What did the rope say to the nurse? I have an appointment with the doctor, I have a knot in my stomach.
  5. Why was the ambitious nursing student collecting skulls? She would do it to get a-head of everyone.
Cartoon graphic of a group of nurses at a desk on a blue background.

Nurse one liners

Here are some great nurse joke one liners that you can quip whenever someone is talking about nurses.

  1. A man goes to hospital with a carrot up his nose. The nurse tells him he’s not eating properly.
  2. I decided not to vaccinate my daughter. I let the nurses do it instead, they have more experience.
  3. Had to wait ages for my X-ray today at the hospital. There was only a skeleton staff working.
  4. When a nurse is having a bad day they won’t stop needling people.
  5. When I went to get my vaccinations the young nurse told me she was very nervous as it was her first time. I told her to give it her best shot.
  1. When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses it’s a mid-wife crisis.
  2. A man sent a nurse an X-Ray of his chest. His heart was in the right place.
  3. I used to get heartburn when I ate birthday cake until a nurse advised me to take the candles off first.
  4. Nurse: I have bad news. You have got a broken leg and memory loss. Patient: Well, at least I don’t have a broken leg.
  5. I kept trying to play hide-and-seek in the hospital but the nurse kept finding me in the ICU.
  1. My friend went on a date with a cardio nurse. His heart was racing the whole time.
  2. The other day I was lifting weights when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke two ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
  3. A ghost asked, “Nurse, can you tell me what does the X-ray of my head show “Absolutely nothing.” she replied.
  4. Nurse, how is my friend who swallowed a bag of coins? I’m afraid there’s no change yet.
  5. Patient: I get a sharp pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Nurse: Take the spoon out first.
Cartoon graphic of a male and female nurse with hands up looking like super heroes on a blue background.

Best nurse jokes

These next funny nurse puns are some of our best jokes and puns about nurses!

  1. What do transplant nurses hate? Rejection.
  2. Why did the nurse need a red crayon? She needed to draw blood.
  3. What did the mattress say to the nurse? I think I have spring fever.
  4. What did the forgetful nurse say? I have a joke on amnesia, but I forget how it goes.
  5. What’s it called when a Hospital runs out of maternity nurses? A mid-wife crisis.
  1. What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient? B positive.
  2. Why didn’t one nurse find the other nurse’s joke funny? She had an irony deficiency.
  3. What did the witch say to the nurse? I need to see doctor, I had a dizzy spell.
  4. What do you tell a nurse when she administers an injection painlessly? Good jab.
  5. What would you call a nurse that cares more about herself than her patient’s health? Nurse-issitic.

Final thoughts

After reading through all these hilarious jokes about nurses, we hope you had a good laugh.

If you want to hear more funny occupation jokes then check out these other great lists of funny jokes:

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