65 Jokes About Vampires

Here are 65 funny vampire jokes and the best vampire puns to crack you up. These jokes about vampires are great vampire jokes for kids and adults.

Here is our top list of vampire dad jokes. Find your favorite puns about vampires, have a laugh, then share and enjoy this vampire humor with others.

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Cartoon graphic of a smiling vampire with eyes closed on a blue background.

Vampire puns

Here are some of our favorite dad jokes about vampires that are also awesome vampire jokes for adults and kids to be told!

  1. Why did a vampire join the circus? To become an acrobat.
  2. Why don’t vampires bet on horses? They can’t handle the stakes.
  3. Why did Dracula turn over a new leaf? He wanted to be re-vamped.
  4. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? The vampire only sucks blood at night.
  5. Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music? His Bach was worse than his bite.
  1. What do you call the Viking who was bitten by a vampire? Norseferatu.
  2. Why do vampires hate going to court? Because of the cross-examinations.
  3. Why are vampires bad artists? Because they always want to draw blood.
  4. What do you call a cross dressing vampire? Dragula.
  5. Who is a Vampires favorite actress? Neck-hol
  1. Why don’t vampires have any friends? They’re a real pain in the neck.
  2. Did you hear abut the vampire who got a pet dog? He’d always wanted a bloodhound.
  3. What do vampires drink when they are on a diet? Blood light.
  4. How did one vampire give COVID to the other one? By coffin on him.
  1. What would you get when you cross a vampire with sheep? Drac-Ewe-La.
  2. Why did the vampire break up with his boyfriend? Because he wasn’t his type.
  3. How do you stop a vegan vampire? With a steak through its heart.
  4. What do you call a vampire who went to the beach? Ash.
  5. Do you know why I broke up with my vampire girlfriend? Because she sucked the life out of me.
Cartoon graphic of a vampire coming out of a coffin holding a glass of blood on a blue background.
  1. What’s a vampire’s favorite type of soup? Scream of tomato.
  2. What’s a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor? Veinilla.
  3. Why did the vampire go to the blood bank? He needed to make a withdrawal.
  4. What do you get if you cross a vampire with a laptop? Love at first byte.
  5. Why are vampires very bad Product Managers? Because they refuse to meet with stake holders.
  1. What do you feed a vegan vampire? A blood orange.
  2. How does a vampire pay the mortgage? With cryptocurrency.
  3. What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail? A bloody mary.
  4. What’s a vampire’s least favorite song? Another One Bites The Dust.
  5. Why do vampires chew gum? Because they have bat breath.
  1. What do you get if you cross a teacher with a vampire? A blood test.
  2. Where do vampires eat their lunch? At the casketeria.
  3. What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snowman? Frostbite.
  4. What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes? Count Spatula.
  5. What’s the difference between a Lich and a Vampire? One’s a Necromancer. The other, a Neck-Romancer.
  1. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A nectarine.
  2. What kind of letters do vampires get? Fang mail.
  3. What does a baby vampire say before going to bed? Turn on the dark, I’m scared of the light.
  4. Why did the vampire read the newspaper? Because it had great circulation.
  5. What’s a vampire’s favorite soup? Scream of mushroom.
Cartoon graphic of a blue faced vampire on blue background.

Vampire one liners

Here are some great vampire joke one liners that you can quip whenever someone is talking about vampires.

  1. Don’t get too close to a vampire, they have a serious case of bat breath.
  2. One thing you won’t catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
  3. A vampire can’t be a comedian. They just aren’t funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
  4. If you’re wondering if someone’s become a vampire, there’s an easy way to tell. A true vampire is always coffin.
  5. There’s a group of girls that love vampires at my school. I really want to join their fang club.
  1. Vampires tend to stay away from Taylor Swift. I’ve been told it’s because she has bad blood.
  2. Vampires tend to drink Blood Light, but only from a longneck bottle.
  3. Vampires are always looking for their necks victim.
  4. I’d advise against letting a vampire drive you home after a Halloween party. They never check their mirrors, it will drive you batty.
  5. If you want to kill a French vampire, you will need to stab him with a baguette. It’s pretty painstaking if you ask me.
  1. I knew a vampire who became a poet. He went from bat to verse.
  2. I met the child of a snowman and a vampire. He was suffering from a serious case of frostbite.
  3. The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
  4. I used to know a vampire actor. He gave up because he couldn’t find a role he could really get his teeth into.
  5. Last Halloween, I went to a party dressed as Dracula and ate all the food. I was Vampire the Buffet Slayer.
Cartoon graphic of an evil vampire with bats around him on a blue background.

Best vampire jokes

These next funny vampire puns are some of our best jokes and puns about vampires!

  1. How do vampires travel across the sea? On blood vessels.
  2. When does an idea kill a vampire? When it dawns on them.
  3. Where do vampires keep their money? In the blood bank.
  4. Why are vampires so impulsive? They never reflect on things.
  5. Why don’t vampires use autocorrect? Because they love Type Os.
  1. What do vampires invest in? Bat coin.
  2. What do you call a gullible vampire? A sucker.
  3. What should you never yell at a vampire while arguing? Bite me.
  4. Why don’t mosquitoes bite vampires? It’s a professional courtesy.
  5. What did the man say while he was drinking the blood of a vampire? Hmm, irony.

Final thoughts

After reading through all these hilarious jokes about vampires, we hope you had a good laugh.

If you want to hear more funny jokes then check out these other great lists of funny jokes:

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