70 Funny Hand Puns

Here are 70 funny hand jokes and the best hand puns to crack you up. These jokes about hands are great jokes for kids and adults.

Here is our top list of hand dad jokes. Find your favorite puns about hands, have a laugh, then share and enjoy this hand humor with others.

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Cartoon graphic of large hand walking its fingers on blue background.

Hand puns

Here are some of our favorite dad jokes about hands that are also awesome hand jokes for adults and kids to be told!

  1. Why did Will use an open hand? Because paper always beats Rock.
  2. What did the police officer say to the hand? Stop! You are under a wrist.
  3. Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet? Brochure.
  4. Where do pirates get their hooks? Second hand stores.
  5. What happened to the handy man when he lost his hands? He became an army man.
  1. How does the Pope dry his hands? He uses a Papal towel.
  2. What do you do when life hands you melons? Acknowledge you may have dyslexia.
  3. How many bones do you think a human hand would have? Umm, a handful maybe?
  4. Why did the hand and the mitten get married? Because it was glove at first sight.
  5. Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand? Because a toothbrush works better.
  1. What has 2 hands, a face and is only ever right twice a day? A clock with no battery.
  2. What sort of gossip does one clock tell another clock? Second hand information.
  3. What happened after the dummy robbed a bank? Police are questioning a ventriloquist who may have had a hand in it.
  4. How did the gambler know his hand would stink? Because he was holding deuces.
  5. How did the pianist hide the soreness in her right hand during the concert? She played it low key.
  1. If I have 6 oranges in one hand and 7 oranges in the other hand, what do I have? Really big hands.
  2. When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I will still be able to write with it? Probably! But I wouldn’t count on it.
  3. Why was the astronaut washing her hands? She was getting ready to eat launch.
  4. Why is a traffic cop the strongest man in the world? Because he can hold up a 10-Ton truck with his hand.
  5. Why did the cops arrest the CEO of the prosthetics company? Cause he was involved in arms dealing.
Cartoon graphic of hand doing peace sign on blue background.
  1. Why did the blonde contractor stick her finger in the ink bottle? To get a blue print.
  2. What would the world be like without left-handed people? Eh, it would be all right.
  3. What happens when you put your hand in a blender? You get a handshake.
  4. What did the octopus say to the other? Let’s hold hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands by hands.
  5. How is the guy who lost his right hand and right leg during the explosion? He’s feeling very left out.
  1. Which nails do carpenters hate hitting? Fingernails.
  2. What did the robber say to the clock? Hands up.
  3. I have 6 hands, 12 feet and 3 heads. What am I? A liar.
  4. What are the best names for your right-hand watchdogs? Rolex or Timex.
  5. Which arm exercises are best for a swimmer in training? Pool-ups.
  1. Why do soccer players have a hard time eating pizza? They think they can’t use their hands.
  2. What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock? Look, grandpa! No hands.
  3. What kind of appetizers do zombies like at Halloween parties? Finger foods.
  4. What did the CSI team find in the clean nose? Fingerprints.
  5. Why was the guy whose right hand was on fire worried about getting arrested? He didn’t want to get caught for illegal possession of a fire arm.
  1. Which is the best hand to write with? Neither. One should always write with a pen.
  2. How do you get a trombone to sound like a French horn? Stick your hand into the bell and mess up all the notes.
  3. Why did the T-Rex only sell hand-guns? He was a small-arms dealer.
  4. Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because the farmer had cold hands.
  5. What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed? I think we’re in sink.
  1. Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
  2. Why can everyone clap with their hands except T-rex? Because they are extinct.
  3. You know what has 8 hands 8 legs and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
  4. What do you call a deer that can write with both hands? Bambi-dextrous.
  5. Why did the redneck bodybuilder wear a sleeveless shirt to the gym? To exercise his right to bear arms.
Cartoon graphic of hand doing rock on sign on blue background.

Hand one liners

Here are some great hand jokes one liners that you can quip whenever someone is talking about hands.

  1. I interviewed to be a carpenter’s hand, I nailed it.
  2. I like to hold hands at the movies, which always seems to startle strangers.
  3. 6:30 has to be the best time, hands down.
  4. Said hello to a guy with really small hands, what a microwave.
  5. Never argue with left handed people, they’re not right.
  1. I’ll fight you with my bear hands, oh deer.
  2. A friend of mine met with a bike accident and broke his left hand, he’s all right now.
  3. I cut my hand opening a bottle of sparkling wine, I guess every rosé has its thorn.
  4. I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
  5.  I don’t like it when my friend has a hand sanitizer and I don’t. He’s always rubbing it in.
  1. My nails are getting too long and they’re growing out of hand.
  2. Some hands are incredibly rude, I waved at one the other day, and it gave me the finger.
  3. My sister fractured two fingers on her left-hand today but on the other hand, everything is fine.
  4. I had a really good hand joke but I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
  5. The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands.
Cartoon graphic of two hands doing high five on blue background.

Best hand jokes

These next funny hand puns are some of our best jokes and puns about hands!

  1. Why couldn’t the clock work alone? It needed a hand.
  2. How do you help a starving cannibal? You give him a hand.
  3. What tree can fit in one’s hand? A palm tree.
  4. What’s so nice about the skeleton? He always lends a hand.
  5. Why did the taller fisherman tell better fish stories than his shorter buddy? Cause his arms are longer.
  1. What has five fingers but isn’t your hand? My hand.
  2. Who wrote the handy handbook called How to Fix Up Your House? Han D. Mann.
  3. Why did the burglar wear blue latex gloves? He didn’t want to be caught redhanded.
  4. What do you call a woman with no hands and no legs? Carrie.
  5. What can you hold in your left hand but not in your right? Your right elbow.

Final thoughts

After reading through all these hilarious jokes about hands, we hope you had a good laugh.

If you want to hear more funny anatomy jokes then check out these other great lists of funny jokes:

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