35 Funny Diamond Jokes

Here are 35 funny diamond jokes and the best diamond puns to crack you up. These jokes about diamonds are great jokes for kids and adults.

Cartoon graphic of a very large diamond ring on a blue background.

Diamond puns

Here is our top list of diamond dad jokes. Find your favorite puns about diamonds, have a laugh, then share and enjoy this diamond humor with others.

  1. What’s the easiest way to cut a diamond’s value in half? Buy it.
  2. How did the diamond find a girlfriend? Carbon dating.
  3. Why are baseball players rich? Because they play on diamonds.
  4. Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief? Because he wanted his diamond back.
  5. What did the diamond say to the other diamond when it saw it for the first time? “You shine like no other.”
  1. How did the diamond feel when it was cut? A little rough.
  2. Why do women love diamonds? Because they are just so facet-nating.
  3. Why did the archaeologist ask a diamond out to dinner? Because of his enthusiasm for Carbon-Dating.
  4. What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing silly, minerals do not talc.
  5. What type of surgery would a diamond get if it didn’t want to leave a big scar?Mineral-ly invasive.
  1. What do you call a green diamond? A sham-rock.
  2. What did the diamond say to the necklace? You complete me.
  3. Why did the killer whale go to jail for stealing all the diamonds? He’s the one that orca-strated the heist.
  4. Why are diamonds so popular in engagement rings? Because they know how to put a ring on it.
  5. Why was the gold nugget only friends with boys? Because only diamonds are a girls best friend.
Cartoon graphic of a jeweler inspecting a diamond on a blue background.

Diamond one liners

Here are some great diamond joke one liners that you can quip whenever someone is talking about diamonds.

  1. Some women are blinded by love, others by diamonds.
  2. I have a diamond problem. My wife doesn’t have enough of them.
  3. Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife’s wedding ring. Now we have a diamond in the ruff.
  4. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a coal mine and turned it into a diamond mine.
  5. The difference between normal and fancy is a few hundred thousand diamonds.
  1. I bought a used Volvo from Neil Diamond on Autotrader. Swede car online.
  2. Sparkling personality isn’t enough if you don’t have diamonds.
  3. Diamonds are like friends, they last forever.
  4. A diamond is just a piece of coal that handled stress exceptionally well.
  5. I was driving down a road that was surfaced with emeralds, rubies and diamonds. I think it was a jewel carriageway.
Cartoon graphic of a very large diamond on a blue background.

Best diamond jokes

These next funny diamond puns are some of our best jokes and puns about diamonds!

  1. What should an engagement ring really be called? A Kneel Diamond.
  2. What do you get from putting a diamond in a printer? A carbon copy.
  3. What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.
  4. Why is it so cheap to buy 12 rhombuses? Because they’re a diamond dozen.
  5. Did you know that Neil Diamond used to be known as Neil Coal? That was until the pressure got to him.
  1. What do you call an easily breakable diamond? A fra-jewel.
  2. Why was the diamond depressed? He had been under a lot of pressure lately.
  3. How does coal turn into diamonds? It coal-apses under pressure.
  4. Just got a diamond ring for my girlfriend. Fair trade if you ask me.
  5. Why was a woman upset when her husband gave her a deck of cards for her birthday? She had asked for something with diamonds.
Cartoon graphic of a blue diamond with a smiling face on a blue background.

Final thoughts

After reading through all these hilarious jokes about diamonds, we hope you had a good laugh.

If you want to hear more funny puns, then check out these other great lists of funny jokes:

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